Friday, February 29, 2008

I'm back!

I know what you're thinking, no I'm not back from the dead, although I was quite close to it quite a few times in the recent past for, let's say, few unworthy reasons in the long run. Now that I have seemingly escaped death, I thought I'll celebrate by announcing it to the world.

Coming to serious matters in the last few months, which were many, a lot to be frank, lots of ups and downs, new revelations, new look at old concepts, joy, sorrow, frustration... you name it, I've probably seen it. You can call it a sort of solitary confinement, self imposed, no doubt, by myself, kind of a social, mental and physical isolation the likes of which I had not experienced before with very few outlets to keep my sanity intact once in a long while. Those which did come as a life saver were on quite a big scale!

It all began when I managed to free myself from the clutches of my employer in what was the culmination of six months of planning with a month of panicking in between. This was done on the pretence of higher studies, but frankly I wanted to take a break from everything and just..... well, you know, learn. Now, don't ask me what, cause whatever it is, true knowledge is never a bore. I wanted to take a few classes of the finishing school of life, and after much thought, came to an opinion that being self-taught was the best way to go about it. More about that later, cause I in this learning spree I also learnt that people don't dig philosophy that much, especially when I happen to lecture about it.

Back to my talk about studies then, I had already dedicated this year completely for learning and had also named it “year of exams”, you'll probably catch up with the idea about that later on. Well then, the first exam was coming, it was a matter of three months before I'd have had to face it. This was the toughest phase, erasing one and one half years worth of knowledge that I had gained about my job and the various things about the industry to go with it. Sometimes the process of unlearning was excruciatingly slow and sometimes painful to hang on, but I had to sit with my books and just settle them in, just like how you'd wear-in a new jeans till you make them feel it's your own body you're carrying around. The stuff I'd have to learn couldn't have got much more contrasting to what I was working with.

I'll spare you the agony of going thru what I've studied in detail, just keep in mind it was a lot. Since I'd have to be very systematic to cover fours years worth of stuff in three months and bring my mastery to bear in three hours in the exam, I'd designed myself a little plan of sorts, not for studying, but for everyday life in general (remember I was in finishing school, they don't teach you jack if they see you disorganised). So, sadly, even though I was at home and, at least on paper, free, I was bound by time and was also constantly finding myself cornered by it! Day began with a quick flex of joints so they don't disappear due to lack of use, bath and breakfast followed immediately, drop mom to work, come back and in front of books till lunch time, lunch for half an hour, then back to books till 5:30, a quick run around a calm lake during sunset can do wonders to your brain which would by now be gathering moss! Back home and relax have a chat with people, yes sir, one full hour of civilisation before getting back to books again, dinner, books and sleep at last!

If you're one of those souls who sees this as no big deal and that you've done more than this, please click on the big “X” mark on the top right of your screen, you might've landed here by mistake, cause I don't seem to know anybody like that! Thank you.

Well then, after the new year set in, things began a little more hectic, I stopped being on the Internet and music and movies were meant only as a measure when the tendency was suicidal! Then the frustration began, mainly cause of the logical dead ends I was arriving at while studying some new things. Sometimes I felt some things could never be learnt without a teacher, some were pointless, some were too advanced, some too complicated, I was like “he'd have to be crazy to expect me to remember this formula”. Things were very irritating back then, things went on very slowly, sometimes grinding to a dead halt when I'd expected it to move the fastest. Frustration too became non-linearly increasing as it is the case with all negative feelings. As I became increasingly restless, I began to wake up with a heavy headache in the morning, my running began to intensify as I found that was the only way I could vent out what was bottled up in me, as that continued, I grew fitter by the week, but I also grew thinner with those passing weeks. Since I was quite happy with my fitness I really didn't mind growing thin, but recently, people started to pity me, so I think it's time to add a few kilos just to keep them prying eyes happy.

I can concentrate on that now cause I'm done with the exams, and it went to my satisfaction at least. Although I still feel I wouldn't fare well on the absolute scale, given my preparation time, I was quite relieved that I still had it in me. I am still on my quest to learn, which'll probably end soon whether or not I clear my exam. If I do, I'll stop learning few things and studying other. If I don't I'll have to get back to earning my own bread, so I'll have to stop learning and start implementing. Either way, you'll know about it. Cheers.


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